Visiopoetics

In which I divine your week in political horror.

ARIES:  Have you ever had a cat?  Before you disdain them as not your type, reconsider the question:  have you ever been found by an animal in need with a spirit that matched your own?  How about a person?  This is a good week for pausing to take a good look behind the restaurant, to see who’s really around.

TAURUS:  The Japanese economy is supposedly stagnant in part due to a very low birthrate over a very long time.  But the British economy doesn’t have that excuse, since lots of immigrants to the UK help prop up their birthrate.  It sounds vaguely racist, but what if only natives count?  What if immigrant birth rates tell you what foreigners think of the economic future of a given country, but native fertility tells you whether the country has faith in itself to build a brighter tomorrow?  Whether you go buy a Chia pet or have a talk with your special someone, this is a good time to have a little faith.

GEMINI:  Flim-flam Rockingham, build a horse with glue.  Start from where you want to be and what you want finds you.  I’m pretty sure the stars are giving you the green light to decide what you want, pretend like you already have it, and work backwards.  Doesn’t mean:  live irresponsibly.  Does mean:  stand up straight and smile.

CANCER:  When you need a vacation and you don’t take it, everybody suffers.  Over time, you will pay the price as well – who knew fatigue was cumulative?  Go to the beach.  It probably won’t fall off this week, and if it does, your staying at work could have done nothing to prevent it.

LEO:  Go Leo, go Leo, it’s ya birthday, probably literally.  Oh, and if you have a choice this week between drinking the goldfish and keeping it as a pet, look closely before deciding to see if it’s not dancing to the beat.

VIRGO:  So you lost the match.  As long as you don’t go home and kick the dog, you’ve won at the end of the day.

LIBRA:  Lucid dreaming is an urban myth according to some, a veritable hallucination to others.  Obviously, they’ve never had a lucid dream.  Keep a notepad by the bed anyway.

SCORPIO:  So I haven’t been good about reading political claptrap lately, and the stars say this might pose some kind of problem for one of us.  I think this is about gossip.  Which means it’s really about paying attention to your surroundings.  Boo.

SAGITTARIUS:  He who doesn’t work, doesn’t eat.  While you do both quite well, that doesn’t mean they must be intricately linked in your world at all moments.  You can have a reward without a penalty lap.  Of course, if you want to do another lap anyway once you’re refueled…

CAPRICORN:  Hiking boots:  $35.  Bug spray:  $7.  Second-hand floppy hat:  $2.  Getting out where no one can reach you on your cell:  priceless.

AQUARIUS:  Some people hack down the weeds.  Others eat them, paint them, or weave them into stylish hair decorations.  Stop looking at the ground and watch where you’re going.

PISCES:  Dogs say, Woof.  Cows say, Moo.  Pisces say, Hey, let’s go bowling.  Seriously, bowling?  It’s summer!  Break out those sandals and take off that ridiculous shirt.

In which I divine your week in political horror.

ARIES:  While Mark Sanford has been talking about his new girlfriend nonstop for roughly five years, his wife was recently lauded in the Washington Post style section for not bothering to dress up, ramble, and look distraught.  The stars say you should follow her example this week, even if you must go Appalachian Trail-way.

TAURUS:  You know how Britain is currently sliding toward deflation and your cousins want to borrow bus fare to Canada for prescriptions?  You know how these little straws pile up to a small broken-backed camel on your shoulder whispering, “Must escape!  Must escape!”?  It’s okay to dole out bus fare and listen to the camel.  Traipse off somewhere new and be free.  Just be sure to make the ticket round-trip.

GEMINI:  Your dual nature comes in handy weeks like this.  You can put up the somber front of formality when you’re singing inside; and you can flash a Kentucky Derby winning smile when you’ve just remembered to check your stocks from 2007.  Survey says:  be sure to make it a double when you do unwind, or that mask will start to chafe behind your ears.

CANCER:  If downtime brings out the blues in you, you have two options:  figure out why and change your life to suit your soul, or never go home.

LEO:  You know how you used to hoard Easter candy in your closet as a kid, thinking the pretty shiny foil was like gold and would only grow more valuable, when in fact it eventually grew mold?  This week, human resources are like that – namely, yours.  Use it or lose it, commodities markets be damned.

VIRGO:  In American political development, the bar for civil rights is a moving target and always will be.  Does this mean we’re a failed people on our own terms?  Or does it mean we just keep getting better?  Maybe it’s alright to narrate it both ways – maybe you can acknowledge your failures and still keep the faith in your accomplishments and potential.

LIBRA:  The stars say you should take plenty of water with you when you go on a short walk this week.  This way, whether you come across a thirsty rose bush or get air-dropped in the sub-Saharan desert, everybody’s happy.

SCORPIO:  If you were color-coding all the scripts in the world, and you wanted to make all the vowels yellow, white, black, or red, but some consonants could be red and black too, how would you code the Arabic Ein?  If you’re still with me, you’ll be just fine this week.

SAGITTARIUS:  Olive oil looks nothing like olives, yet is not highly processed, and is associated with the uber-healthy Mediterranean diet.  Don’t judge an apple by how far it falls from its tree:  let it be useful of its own accord.

CAPRICORN:  Capricorn, Capricorn, where foreart thou, Capricorn?  If you’re going to daydream all week, be sure to take a pad of paper with you, lest you forget what you see and hear in your mind.  Or better yet, bug yourself like your superego is the NSA and your creative self is a Congressman.

AQUARIUS:  All the world wears green, and so new political life is born in Iran, regardless of the immediate responsiveness or lack thereof of the official regime.  Rather than tallying your wins and losses like an intimidated cleric this week, just wear your green and keep showing up.

PISCES:  Subsidies for agricultural non-production keep the U.S. breadbasket functioning far below full capacity, despite famine and poverty across much of the world.  It makes sense to the market not because markets are rational, but because markets have their own rationality.  Just like you.  I’m not saying you have to be Mr. Spock (no one is), but be aware of your own crazy internal rules.  Don’t starve yourself for any lobby.

In which I divine your week in political horror.

ARIES:  Go to the grocery store and read Allen Ginsberg talking about reading Whitman in the grocery store.  Pick up a peach and feel its fuzz, thinking of Georgia.  Taste its sweetness.  Smile politely and pay when the produce stocker wants to know who you think you are.  It’s summertime and you’re the boss, that’s who.

TAURUS:  If voters had your focus, we would have referenda on every piece of legislation passed in all 49 states.  Would that kind of democratic Californication resuscitate long-term U.S. hegemony in the face of global economic meltdown, shattered American image, and the general frustration of rising powers whose incipient middle classes aren’t getting their basic human needs met?  Or would you just enjoy watching everybody fight?  Fffooooccccuuuuuusss…

GEMINI:  You want everything.  You want nothing.  Why can’t you have it both ways?  That’s what the Rememocraps always said.

CANCER:  Hey nonny nonny, hey nonny nonny, hey nonney nonney, pander!  It’s not really having an agenda if you’re on the payroll but you would probably do it for free, right?

LEO:  At Baskin & Robbins, they pride themselves on offering 32 flavors.  But since some of these are rotating guest flavors, the actual number of B&R flavors far exceeds 32, so the nickname of record “32 flavors” is technically dishonest.  Intent and chocolate fudge, baby.

VIRGO:  It would please the czars to know that French and Russian sound somewhat similar to the modern American ear.  I’m pretty sure the Bolsheviks, however, would be pissed.  Even if they saw how well French rap and Russian ninjas go together.

LIBRA:  You know that cartoon skunk who was always hugging the struggling black cat with that unlucky white cat?  Ever wonder if he was superstitious – if he would actually be afraid of her if he knew the truth?  This week, the stars say you may find out.  If you’re the one whose been playing a part and misleading your supporters, let them show their true colors before you assume you know how they’re judging you.

SCORPIO:  There is a season, turn, turn, turn.  To quit your day job, turn, turn, turn.  Wait, am I liable for saying that?  First, consult your mother.  No, seriously, call her.

SAGITTARIUS:  Two, four, six, eight, who do you appreciate?  While you’re enjoying the wonderland that is doing your job this week, couldya let your supporters know how much you appreciate them?  It’s ok if you’re too busy gleefully throwing yourself under some cosmic bus – you can thank them again later anyway.

CAPRICORN:  Next time you win a golden violin from the devil in a politicking duel, consider this:  selling at the height of the commodities bubble is a great idea, if you know where the top of the bubble is.  <>  Never mind.

AQUARIUS:  Dive down deep into the abyss of political internets.  What will you find besides ever-evolving phishing and a fine assortment of kelp and spam?  If you dive deep enough, will you come back out on the other side of the world?  And will the North Koreans arrest you for swimming for the Americans?

PISCES:  My uncle Hank supposedly kept all his foods separate on his plate.  No meat in the potatoes, no warm vegetables with the salad, that sort of thing.  Don’t be like him this week.  Mélange your heart out.  If this means gerrymandering, so be it.

The DSM is under revision by shrinks who are out to get you, as I report for Demockeracy this week.  Below, your astrological week in politics.

Political Horrorscopes for June 9 – June 15, 2009

ARIES:  Alas, my love, you do me well.  If your constituents were remaking Irish folk songs in your honor this week, this is probably what they would sing.  Nice work.

TAURUS:  Bull.  That’s your sign, don’t wear it out.  Oh, and also, you’re a big, fat liar.  The stars say you’ll probably get away with it this week; but do you really want to?  Yeah, I thought so.

GEMINI:  Twins are popular all year-round, but is yours good or evil?  As long as you’re at least a hundred miles away from the Senate building and your constituents, who cares?

CANCER:  He supports my bill – he supports my bill not.  He supports my bill – he supports my bill not.  Stop destroying flowers and start wooing.

LEO:  You were probably voted most likely to succeed in swim trunks in high school.  It’s always a good week to find out if this still holds true, especially since you’re managing your time well enough to have your cake and fix all the potholes in the world, too.

VIRGO:  No language games for you this week, because my sources say you’ve been gorging on freedom fries and consorting with the French.  Was it worth it?  Probably.

LIBRA:  If you’ve been on a productive streak, ride it as far as it will take you – vacation can wait.  If you haven’t been on a productive streak, find one.

SCORPIO:  Sometimes you’ve done your part and you can’t make the world turn any faster.  Don’t beat yourself up.  Do what you can on other projects until the rest of the world comes to its senses.

SAGITTARIUS:  This week, the sound-track to your life is a cross between a frat-boy bar-hop and militant training camp chant:  Go, go, go!  But you still have to breathe, and it might as well be when you’re sprinting past the rose bushes.

CAPRICORN:  As always, you took the devil up on his recent politicking duel challenge.  I’m not sure what happened next, but I see you strutting around now with a shiny, golden violin.  I’m not going to ask.  Please use your newfound powers for the greater good.

AQUARIUS:  So spy-versus-spy networking is not your strong suit.  You can still pull out of any tailspin you may have been pushed into.  You know how to do the right thing and keep your pension in the meanwhile.

PISCES:  Still working on rebranding, huh?  Did you know that the Mars company leaves peanut butter products (like Reeses Pisces) to Hershey, because the Mars heirs grew up in the UK and think peanut butter is a disgusting American aberration?  IT IS, but they probably lose at least $50 million a year just hating the stuff.  This week, see if you can grin and bear the peanut butter – maybe you’ll even learn to like it.

This week, I illustrate at Demockeracy. Below, the stars advise on your week in politics.

Political Horrorscopes for June 2 – June 8, 2009

ARIES:  You know the Geico cavemen who are always getting offended at stereotypes because they’re more sophisticated than modern man?  Wouldn’t it be more effective for them to simply BE more sophisticated rather than sulking?  Don’t be the cavemen.

TAURUS:  Olley olley oxen-free!  This week you break out of the enclosure and race for open meadow.  Whether leaving the capitol for the summer, or getting gas someplace new, this week you’ll leave the hum-drum and expand your horizons.  On-record.

GEMINI:  Supposedly, U.S. hunger for corn ethanol is causing child malnutrition and maternal mortality in Africa.  Yet you can enjoy corn on the cob anyway.  I don’t have any predictions for you – just jealous, really.

CANCER:  Cancer, cancer, cancer.  The best-laid plans of mice and men don’t play well on hidden tape, because you were lying about or had forgotten your original intentions.  I think this is why some politicians used to hold meetings in saunas.

LEO:  You’re on a mission.  You’re gonna get ‘er done.  You’re closing in on it.  In the  meanwhile, don’t neglect your illegitimate son.

VIRGO:  “Preservatif” is French for “condom”; “preservative” is Standard Deviative American for “jam.”  Go ahead and get lost in translation.  Would you like freedom fries with that?

LIBRA:  It’s never good advice in politics, but the stars say this is a good week to lay off the ass-kissing and lay on the getting-your-work-done-or-leaving-people-the-hell-alone.

SCORPIO:  If all American politicians were Scorpios this week, we would be rid of predatory lending practices, bad or absent healthcare, and Clear Channel before you can say “democracysayswhat?”  What?

SAGITTARIUS:  Stop pulling your hair out.  You have people for that.

CAPRICORN:  You’re hiking in the woods at night, when the devil appears and challenges you to a politicking duel.  What does that even mean?  Do you need a violin for that?  If anyone has the answers to these questions, it’s probably you.

AQUARIUS:  When I said you should avoid choir-boys eating ice-cream last week, I didn’t mean you should alienate your evangelical constituency by acknowledging you agree with the Chinese and Cubans that there is no God.  But when you’re accused of being a soulless Commie bastard, you might as well find a way to make it a networking opportunity.

PISCES:  Rebrand yourself.  Can you raise money by calling yourself Reeses Pisces?  Have your assistant research it.  If you don’t have an assistant, you need to raise more money.  Might I suggest rebranding?

As I report for Demockeracy this week, researchers cure sleep.  Also, I divine your weekly political horrorscopes.